Align With Love

Over the years I’ve shared inspiring love stories of how couples fell in love. Recently I’ve been feeling called to share stories about women falling in love with themselves.

This self love story is from my client Maya. She’s an attorney from the East Coast of the U.S.  Below are excerpts from a recent conversation we had about her inner transformation.

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I’m South Asian and my culture puts a lot of pressure on women to get married by a certain age. Being 40 and single, there’s this not so subtle feeling of ‘What’s the matter with you? Why can’t you make this work?’

Before you and I started working together, Liesel, I was really anxious about not being married. I was obsessed with finding a husband and couldn’t bear the thought of my life without one. I went on blind dates, put ads in South Asian publications, tried online dating. I even took trips to India to meet eligible men.

I felt like I was searching for a holy grail, a formula, a prescribed set of conduct and at the end of it you get a man.

Yet nothing was working, and as the years went on, I became more and more depressed. I was literally in an abyss of negativity, self-doubt and anxiety – crying all the time, thinking ‘what the hell am I doing wrong?’

And yet at the same time, I would get a sick feeling in my stomach when I thought about just getting married for the sake of it like so many of my South Asian girlfriends seemed to be doing.

If he’s cute and he’s Indian and he’s successful that should be enough. Plus my parents had an arranged marriage. Same caste, same religion, same community. check. check. check. If he’s pleasant, you just make it work.

The idea of that kind of a relationship really scared me.

I wanted big love.

And yet with no history of success, I began to feel that there was something wrong with me, that I truly wasn’t worthy of romantic love.

I was spending every weekend with my family, because in my culture, if you’re a woman of a certain age and you’re not married, then you’re supposed to take care of your parents like a good Indian girl.

My culture says you’re not a woman and your life doesn’t begin until you’re married. So there I was waiting to be liberated by a partner, so I’d be able to live my life independently.

I was miserable. All of that grasping for a man was making me so unhappy. I was constantly clamoring for reassurance that love was going to happen for me.

As we began to work together, Liesel, I started to realize that I don’t need a partner to do the things that I want, to be liberated in my life. I began to let go of the attachment, of having to do things in a prescribed way. I began to let go of how it has to look, how it has to happen.

As I learned to connect with myself, I started to heal my lack of self-worth and release the despair. And as I’ve let go, I have so much more ease in my being and I am so much happier.

Now I’m living my life.  Where before it was ‘Today’s Friday so I go home because that’s what’s expected of me.’ Now I’m asking myself, ‘what do I want to do this weekend?’. I still see my parents often, but now there’s space in my life for more joy.

I’m having so much more fun and feeling more alive than I ever have before.

I’m focusing on doing things that light me up. Spending time with friends. Getting more massages – which is fabulous. Trying new recipes and cooking more. I’ve been prioritizing eating well and getting a lot of exercise.

And this work has really opened up my love for dance (I do classical Indian dance), and I feel like I’m a much better performer now. I’m dancing with such openness and freedom that people are noticing. It feels so much more expressive and flirty.

I’m really learning to soften into the feminine. I’m making conscious decisions to go slowly, move my hips and be graceful. To shift out of the mental energy that I’m in at work all day. I’m more in the flow of letting things unfold and trusting that it’s going to be ok. It’s a huge shift from the tightness of worrying and clamoring for relationship.

I’m in such a space of confidence and ease now. My friends have noticed a big change in me, and I am really seeing a difference in how men are responding to me.

I realized that I used to feel that self-love was selfish, and now I know that’s not true. It’s pure love. As I’m sitting here today, I really do have this profound sense deep down in every cell of my body that I am completely lovable.

And I’ve opened up a great deal spiritually through our work together and that is such a precious gift. I’m learning to receive from Source without attachment and without analyzing. It’s the most amazing feeling and a powerful shift!

When we first met, I thought the missing link in my life was a man. Now I know the missing link was this connection to myself and to God.

I still want a partner, AND I’ve released the clamoring and the yearning, so I can actually receive the love that I know is coming to me.

I’m loving and gentle with myself now – it’s ok for me to want a partner. And I know now that my partner can only give me so much. That I have to give to myself first, take care of myself and nourish myself, so that I’m ready for this relationship that I know is in store for me.

In the meantime, I am really happy and loving my life.

I feel like I’ve been completely healed from all of that angst and sadness. I’ve been relieved of a huge burden in my heart, and it’s just so nice not to live like that anymore.

It’s a 180 degree shift from when we started and I am SO grateful.

When you and I met Liesel, I was in therapy, I was praying, and I was out there trying and all of that – but this journey with you has been the true transformation in my life.

And I know that my story is not finished (laughs).  Keep your eye out for Part 2!